Impermanence

I think that for many years that I was only capable of changing superficial things. I could study, and improve my grades. I could cycle more, and improve my fitness.  I didn't realise that it was possible to change how I responded to situations.

I used to be a planner. It was the way I used to manage my fears of uncertainty In fact, the main thing that stopped me doing some travel in my early 20s like many of my compatriots was an inability to plan away my fears. Where would I live? How would I find a job? What would I do if I got in trouble, got lost, was faced with a difficult situation? Who could I call for help?

They all seem abit silly now. I think those various fears wore off over the course of life. I've left my house keys in the wrong country and needed a locksmith to get in, I've forgotten most of my warm clothes on one winter holiday and remedied it in a discount shopping mall. I've taken a night bus in the Philippines that ended at 4am - and was pleased to discover that I didn't need accommodation as most people stayed on the bus to sleep (or as much sleep as you can get in the parking lot behind a karaoke bar). I failed to find my planned hostel in Paris before dark and bailed to the next hotel I could find.

These days I hate planning things on trips now for fear of limiting myself or creating "rushing around".  But more than that I realise all things are temporary - whatever the situation the problems rarely persist.  I'm more capable than I used to give myself credit for. The stress I used to feel when I couldn't plan has been replaced by a stress when I have to plan. I'd like that to be further replaced with equanimity.

Change is inevitable.

Growth is optional.

I choose growth.