Identity.... and What People Might Think.

When I'm trying to make a change in myself I find the thing that is most difficult to overcome is an attachment to an identity.

It is all abit of a sham - liberally sprinkling your daily or sporting wear with labels to match the identity you want for yourselves. Whether thats Lululemon, or Vans, or a vintage Metallica Tshirt. Of course, advertising works to leverage this - presenting you with an image of what you could be and trying to convince you to pay money to let other people know what you want to be so that they think you are.

To me, the most important question is who are you really?

I have an underlying problem. By outside appearances I'm pretty normal and boring. House. Cats. Car. Vegetable garden. Too many bicycles. Corporate job. Good at numbers. Family at a distance. Regularly exercise. Volunteer regularly. The things that raise eyebrows very slightly are my willingness to turn up to social gatherings on a bicycle and my current single and childless status  (at ~38 even!). And its fair to say potentially my current haircut.

I want people to know that I'm more than that. I crave a world that values people for their diversity - of economics, of fashion, of skin colour, gender, music. I dont want to work as an office monkey until I'm 65 and retire on the pension to some small community by the sea.  I want to live and experience the whole world, and not in a 3 week chunk once a year. That desire scares me greatly as it causes alot of fear and pain and uncertainty.

I want people to know that I'm not a Boring Kinda Girl.

It seems ridiculous to think that I want to do something just so that others know what I know inside. I shouldn't need to get a tattoo or wear the brand or die my hair magenta to match the slightly subversive theme that runs through my brain. Yet part of me still wants to do it.

So what am I? A matrix of confusions. Some the same as you, some different. Some I'm willing to show you and some that I'm ashamed to show you. I even tried to write a list and didn't get past the fourth bullet point.

How can be myself and show the real me if there are parts of me that I'm embarrassed about? Why can't I write those things down? I think I'm afraid that people will look at me differently as a result. That they might not feel comfortable around me and would judge me and won't love me.

This link has an example which is rather uncomfortable watching. I'd love to be as brave as Lewis but I'm still scared of what people might think. Can I drop the shield?

Stated Expectations - the Sequel

Please see previous post here for the background. Caveat: I'm not one for word-for-word as I can't remember dialogue well.

After being told to sort it out, a meeting between me and Merida was scheduled for Tuesday. I prepared as best I could. Above all I wished to avoid making her feel defensive while expressing my point of view. Which sounds achievable.

We started the session on an optimistic but slightly weird note - she apologised for mentioning to our boss once removed that I seemed to be angry at her, and she didn't know why. She thought that might have prompted Mr Peacock to get us to "sort it out". I agreed that she was probably right that it forced the issue, but it still needed to be discussed. She also said that she thought she needed to harden up - to accept the anger and ignore it. Which perplexed me because that wasn't the point.

So I wanted firstly to explore what her issues were with me. I tried to create a safe space - its just you and me, you can say whatever you want. And her main issue seemed to be with my "angry outburst". No one else gets angry at her and she doesn't understand it nor does she ever wish to experience it again. I found this weird because my version of an angry outburst involves swearing and name calling, raised voices, ranting, and arm waving. I did none of those things. I was angry. But I didnt swear, raise my voice or arm wave. I said "Ok, now stop. Now go away." With admittedly a very cold tone. Its so confusing if you live a life with my set of benchmarks anyway!

So I had written myself a list of questions, hoping to lead Merida along the path of how I think of things. It was intended to start from a viewpoint - are we equal? Should we be? Can we be? To - what is my job, with respect to you? And onwards to was there another way she could sort out her IT problems. But I didn't get a chance. At the first question - are we equal? "what do you mean?. When I got to what is my job, with respect to her she shut me down "Where are you going with this, what do you mean?" and straight into defensive posturing about her knowledge being like swiss cheese and that she was working through filling the holes where she could.

I got a sense of bitterness about doing this work which isn't what she wants to be doing. It was very much rammed down my throat that she thought I should be relieved of any responsibility for things she did or didn't do. In fact she proclaimed it loudly. And if I didn't like her requests I should just say no to them.

To be honest, that's not how I roll. If I can, I do try to help people. Not to mention Mr Peacock wants us all to help each other when we can. I don't say no to people. But that is part of the curiousness isn't it - I did tell her no more for the SQL stuff. But it didn't register. How can I say that so that people understand it?

I walked out of the meeting perplexed. I did not get to have my say at all without getting shut down with "just say no!" or "you don't have to fix my problems for me".  And I didn't manage to get any words at all out without triggering her defensiveness. But I could live with her proposed solution though it would mean feeling like I was sitting on my hands.

On reflection Merida's angry during the meeting was far higher on the angry scale for me than mine was.

The perplexed feeling lasted about 15 minutes. Until Merida emailed a bullet-pointed "summary" of what we talked about very much from her perspective. Then I was outraged and there was much ranting and tears. Fortunately not at her.  So it could've been worse. I chose not to reply to that email as I felt it would turn into an ongoing rebuttal which would not help improve the constructiveness of our relationship.

So again, I'm stuck. I want to be open with what I'm thinking and feeling. I want to help Merida to learn this stuff. But I don't want to become resentful about it. Again I find myself feeling like I'm sulking, holding back from her, which is not what I want at all.

The road to being a good human being is a long and windy one.

Stated Expectations

It was inevitable that my desire to be heard would spill over into the workplace. I wanted to be able to have an open conversation to let people know what I expected in interactions and be able to follow up.

Turns out it just isn't that simple.

I've been working with someone whom we shall call Merida. In the course of her training I've needed to get her up to speed with a software package called Microsoft SQL Server Management Studio. This software allows its users to view database data and is invaluable in troubleshooting pretty much everything. As a data-geek I love that I can see how the data is arranged and build a query to cut it in different shapes. At a more practical level our jobs are dependent on good data, and problems with them happen. Because the problems are not regular you need more insight than other means can give you.

After a period of training early this year and informally saying "you really need this software" I wasn't getting anywhere. So formally (in a specific subject only email) I requested that she get the software installed back in May. There were always reasons - too busy, I've logged a job but IT hasn't got back to me. Oh they tried, but it didnt install, I'll follow up. By July we were preparing to hand my things over to her while I was in Samoa. Again, formally I reminded her - you need to get the software sorted. Meanwhile, whenever she got stuck with data problems I had to dive in to figure out what was going. This was tiresome, not only from a personal disruption perspective but also that she needed to learn how to use the software in order to be able to cover me adequately and was still not even able to get onto it.

She got through the two weeks I was away in August without it. But about a week after I came back something went wrong and she needed me to get data out. By this time I was rather fed up. With the same kind of mentality that I successfully used with my un-motivated flatmate I told her this would be the last time. You need to get this sorted.

By this stage the reason given was that the computer needed to be rebuilt and she needed 3 clear days to sort it out. We've worked together a year and I've never known her to have a "clear day".  I'm a big believer in the Stockdale Paradox - "
You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.

AND at the same time…You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

The brutal facts were there was not going to be any resolution to the computer issues in the near future to enable the software installation. She needed to pursue a different solution.

Crunch time happened last week when one of the data feeds failed to load data. Again, I was called.  I didn't want to hear from her what I perceived as continued excuses. I cut her pretty short and hung up. I had a quick look at the data and then shoulder-tapped Pooh in the office for the emailed data snapshot. 10 minutes later I  gave her, rather unembellished, what she needed.

What followed was abit of rant or vent at our mutual, ever-tolerant, people manager Mr Peacock. I don't know how to get her to listen? She needs the software. I've been asking her to do it for months. Mr Peacock was of the opinion she needed the three days and (probably) that I was being rather unsympathetic.

While I am keen on gold-plated solutions, given the brutal facts of the situation I was happy to use duct-tape when required. The next morning I went into the ICT area and explained the situation. The Energizer Bunny was there and went into solution mode, suggesting either getting her a second machine or getting her to remote onto one. The latter could be actioned immediately without any delay or cost. We could have done this back in May if needed.

Which should potentially be a happy-ever-after-the-end kinda thing. But no - again my feedback is that I'm "rude and unprofessional". And now we've "got to sort it out".

It is a similar kind of situation to my communication with my unmotivated flatmate. He also had high standards for his proposed solution but to his credit found some duct tape before things really got stressful. Merida, on the other hand, chose to stick her head in the sand and hope for the best.  Worse, from my perspective, she was surprised that it annoyed me and upset that my response was no longer sympathetic and polite.

I don't believe I should be responsible for someone elses IT issues. Nor their unwillingness to address those issues in a timely manner. The softly and politely method was not working to achieve the ultimate goal - Merida skilled up to solve any problem handed to her. I'm attacking my green Avoidance but in doing so am perceived to be attacking someone even more green in Avoidance than myself.

If I extend the Paradox further - I've got to believe that this is all going to turn out alright in the end. I have my fingers crossed for "sorting it out" tomorrow.

No Doom on Mount Doom

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  All photo credits Christopher Robin and the Energizer Bunny due to technology fail on my part.

*

Pooh had a winter mission to tick off. In his younger days he was a strapping young bear leaping small mountains in a single bound. But after years of children and too many years of corporate desk jockeying Pooh knew he needed a change. He had targetted Mt Ngaruahoe as a winter goal. It wasn't going to be easy. Pooh set about training by tackling several of the minor peaks of Wellington when time allowed. I had walked with Pooh once before during our Team Days when we tackled the Tongariro Crossing and and knew him to be slow and steady, but capable of continuing all day. 

Pooh started floating the idea of summiting Ngaruahoe in winter around the office and fairly quickly he had a potential crew of around 15 people including me. I was fizzing at the idea... snow, mountains, what could go wrong? After some serious perusal of the coffee grounds a date was set at the end of August. 

My heart sunk. The weekend set was the one immediately after my trip to Samoa. To do it, I would be returning late on a Thursday night from the tropics, be home Friday morning, then be off in a car for 5 hours to National Park before a big walk in the snow on the Saturday. I was not keen on the "rushing around" that would be required and worried about going back to work tired after the trip. So, after about a week of shall-I-shan't-I I chose to decline. 

The last weekend of August brought relatively fine weather but an extremely high avalanche risk. Pooh consulted the mountain-wise Owl who recommended a postponement. 

Once again the coffee grounds were examined and everyone was keenly aware that there was little winter remaining. Schedules and children and partners were juggled and put into the magic number machine which gave us a new date of the end of September.   Woohoo! I'm in!

Our new crew was composed of Pooh, Christopher, Energizer Bunny, Owl, Owl's son Tigger, the Eagle, and myself.  I booked my crampons and ice axe at Biviouac, and after a brief "eek, I think my boots are too flexible for crampons!" I was psyched and ready to roll. I even trained... kinda.. by running to work. My physio and I both agree (now) that that was a silly idea and I needed to have my knees taped to help the kneecaps track properly.  The weather forecast originally didnt play ball and after three days of rain and gale southeasterlies I was pretty pessimistic about the conditions. But Pooh said "We're going anyway." So just like that, we were.  

The Eagle and I were similarly inclined towards taking off on the Friday afternoon and getting to National Park around dinner time. Everyone else wanted to make the most of their working afternoons and leave at 4:30. The Eagle and I chatted our way north. He had had a summer of DIY to sell his house and then an autumn of buying a new house and getting it sorted.  He had had few weekends of training and feared he was underprepared. This was also the Eagles first expedition to the snow. We were both consoled by the experience that the Owl brought to the group.

After a good night sleep at Howards Lodge National Park the Eagle picked me up bright and early for a 7am meet at Mangatepopo carpark to join our teammates. The weather was fine but there was a stiff breeze blowing across the carpark and the crew were sheltered by the retaining wall to put on their layers. The Energizer bunny was conspicuous by his lack of layers but given his internal batteries it probably wasn't unexpected. Tigger had packed his skis. Crazy cat.

Happy to be there

The walk up the Mangatepopo valley was interspersed with various short stops to add or remove layers. It was chilly and the frozen streams were only reinforcing that feeling. Its a rather easy walk up to the Soda Springs but even so we had to lean into the wind to maintain forward motion. Being from Wellington we were rather used to doing that. 

The staircase itself has been improved in recent years and there are a number of very tidy actual stairs as opposed to the rocky versions I remember from 2003. 

Mt Doom in the clear. 

Close to the top of the stair case there were several patches of snow crossing the track. Not quite crampons conditions. But once we topped to the saddle we could see that the south crater was completely covered in snow. Owl told us it was time to put our crampons on from here and gave us a few key tips so that we didn't stab outselves in the back of our legs. I strapped them on and gave it a test walk. I was amazed at the traction! 

Me with Christopher, and stabby things on my feet. And ALL the layers.

The real climb started here. The first few hundred metres were relatively flat but then the gradient gradually turned until you were stepping, straight into snow.  Owl gave us a run down of the theory of how to self-arrest, though practicing was limited as it wasn't quite steep enough to get much sliding going on the lower reaches. The snow conditions were exceptional; very firm and with good depth. You could choose to go in any direction with any kind of stride length and get traction. Its kind of novel to not have to focus on where I put my feet - it really didn't seem to matter. 

For the first while I chose the straight up option. Owl, below me, is using the more conventional switchback technique. 

After about 20 steps I'd be out of breath and gasping. After a while my calves let me know that maybe the switchbacks were the way to go and so I started zigging. At every corner I delighted in calling the tack and when I crossed their paths calling "Starboard!". Im not sure what my team mates thought of this blatant sport-confusion. 

As we were a diverse group, we did have a reasonable gap between the front and the back. But we regrouped when we could. There was plenty of time to enjoy the view, though that view was elusive the higher we went. 

Mt Tongariro, the Crossing in the foreground.

Pooh had been trucking well but suffered from bad cramp in his quads. He raided the Eagles supplies of banana and Powerade to keep going. There was a debate as to whether we should split into two but fortunately it was decided we should stay together. Owl kicked steps slowly into the hillside and Pooh stayed focussed on keeping to his footsteps.

Two of the team were wearing fancy pants watches and could tell us how high we were. Which was either a blessing or a curse depending on how much it had changed since you last asked. Just keep going up til there is no more up!

Finally the advance party of Christopher Robin and the Energizer Bunny reached the edge of the crater. They came back and led us along the rocky ridge towards the summit. 

The top! The bare rocks are mostly centrally heated.

 The top was pretty cool. Even though I couldn't see anything there was something cool about being at the top of something. There were seams of hot rocks which meant some had central heating for their lunch seats. Mine was a cold one though. Gipped.

After about 20 minutes at the top it was time to get going back down and see the sun again. Tigger was first off on his skies. The Energizer Bunny gave him a bearing so he might not end up at the wrong end of Ngaruahoe. He disappeared off into the white.

It was worth the 8 mins to get down he said.

We negotiated the rocky ridge with our crampons (which is kinda sketchy) and headed down on the snow. Christopher and the Energizer Bunny had the bright idea of sliding down. They disappeared into the white. I was doubtful at first, doing reasonable time in the softer afternoon snow doing my zigs. But after watching Owl I thought I might give it a go. So after abit of practice I was off - on my side with the ice axe poised for braking. Which I did regularly just cos.

Skidmarks

Back at the saddle it was sunny again! So it was time for crampons off and back down to civilisation. I had been nice to my knee on Ngaruahoe (by not walking down) but walking down the staircase was going to be challenging. So with walking poles at the ready we dropped slowly into the much warmer and less windy valley. 

By about 5pm (but I can't say I actually know what time it was) we were back at the carpark, stoked that we accomplished Poohs goal and inspired by what we had done. 

*

I don't think I have any great lessons for the trip. I was well prepared generally for the physical exertion. The group was great - perhaps because we were more random than some groups we didn't seem to need to negotiate much. Pooh said, we did. Too easy. We were also a group of professionally (and unprofessionally) opinionated so I was actually surprised that it went that smoothly. Perhaps the working relationships in a new context changes things. 

I'm inspired to do more mountain-y things. :) We were extremely lucky with the snow conditions. I am told it was pretty much perfect. If it were actually icy my flexy boots with their rental crampons, flexybar or no flexibar, would have been challenged. 

Bring on the summer!