Dumbstruck

All this focus on my own reactions, and peoples reactions to my reactions, leads my brain in one continuous and never ending circle. Where is the start and where is the end? I'm not right, but neither are you. We're both hurting and uncomfortable.

Its too easy for me, in my silence, to avoid the uncomfortable. Being silent and uncomfortable is more comfortable than risking your reaction by saying what I really mean. If I say what I really mean then you might tell me what you really mean. That might mean that you don't want me here or in your life and the rejection would be awful. You might think I'm wrong in my feelings leaving me unable or unwilling to relate to you and back in silence.

I have to believe that I have intrinsic value, including all my faults. Similarly I have to believe that you have intrinsic value, including all yours.
We all have faults, advantageous in self-protection but useless in relationships.
We all have feelings, born of a lifetime of different perceptions.

Like creaky bicycle gears, the stops set in the wrong place, the cable too tight, a Karapoti worth of grit on the chain links, we mesh together, skip a beat or two, maybe fail to disengage from the need to be right or validated and wind up with a chain wrapped around your chainstay.  Or we could be flung apart in mutual hurt.

Only with a little of maintenance can we put ourselves back together again.