Identity.... and What People Might Think.

When I'm trying to make a change in myself I find the thing that is most difficult to overcome is an attachment to an identity.

It is all abit of a sham - liberally sprinkling your daily or sporting wear with labels to match the identity you want for yourselves. Whether thats Lululemon, or Vans, or a vintage Metallica Tshirt. Of course, advertising works to leverage this - presenting you with an image of what you could be and trying to convince you to pay money to let other people know what you want to be so that they think you are.

To me, the most important question is who are you really?

I have an underlying problem. By outside appearances I'm pretty normal and boring. House. Cats. Car. Vegetable garden. Too many bicycles. Corporate job. Good at numbers. Family at a distance. Regularly exercise. Volunteer regularly. The things that raise eyebrows very slightly are my willingness to turn up to social gatherings on a bicycle and my current single and childless status  (at ~38 even!). And its fair to say potentially my current haircut.

I want people to know that I'm more than that. I crave a world that values people for their diversity - of economics, of fashion, of skin colour, gender, music. I dont want to work as an office monkey until I'm 65 and retire on the pension to some small community by the sea.  I want to live and experience the whole world, and not in a 3 week chunk once a year. That desire scares me greatly as it causes alot of fear and pain and uncertainty.

I want people to know that I'm not a Boring Kinda Girl.

It seems ridiculous to think that I want to do something just so that others know what I know inside. I shouldn't need to get a tattoo or wear the brand or die my hair magenta to match the slightly subversive theme that runs through my brain. Yet part of me still wants to do it.

So what am I? A matrix of confusions. Some the same as you, some different. Some I'm willing to show you and some that I'm ashamed to show you. I even tried to write a list and didn't get past the fourth bullet point.

How can be myself and show the real me if there are parts of me that I'm embarrassed about? Why can't I write those things down? I think I'm afraid that people will look at me differently as a result. That they might not feel comfortable around me and would judge me and won't love me.

This link has an example which is rather uncomfortable watching. I'd love to be as brave as Lewis but I'm still scared of what people might think. Can I drop the shield?