No Circulars Please

Whoever delivers the promotional mail made a mistake this week and gave me some. 

I offer to you - Exhibit A:

Promotional Mail from Tuesday 6th September

That is 435 grams of unasked-for paper (the random face mask I used to tie up the bundle was worth ~6 grams). In one day.

To put that in perspective I offer you - exhibit B:

Which cost the most? I didn't pay for the promos, so are they free? I paid for the book, probably ~$30 by New Zealand standards which would have gone for not just the material cost but also the authorship (IP) and various margins. 

What is the environmental cost? Probably even.  As I've mentioned before its the costs we don't see that are too easy to ignore. 

What about the contribution to the universe?

The flyers were:

Briscoes

JB Hifi

Flybuys

Repco - Bathurst sale

Political flyers x 2

Liquorland

New World x 2

Target Furniture

Warehouse Stationery

Noel Leeming

For all that 435 g, only one (New World) might be considered a weekly purchase (though I hope none of my readers would buy Australian strawberries in September). All the rest are effectively trying to vie for your discretionary expenditure - and you don't need or want any of it..  yet.

According to these flyers you might need "new looks for your home" or "state-of-the-art products" "massive clearance", " spring refresh" "get your workplace in order", or "new season deals". By contrast John Kirwan wrote a powerful book that brought mens mental health into public discussion in New Zealand.

There's a great sense of freedom in saying "I don't need that". I don't even need to look at that. That this stuff does not add anything to my life. Even assessing the potential purchase would consume too much energy that I'd rather devote to something else.

I didn't ask for those flyers yet someone has invested 435 grams of materials into trying to convince me to buy something. If they'd asked me, I'd say I'd much rather those materials went into another copy of John Kirwan's book. 

I'm asking you to consider, even if you get something for free, its not. We all need to think about our contribution to the demand side for these non-products.

Tides Coming In

Warning: this post contains elements of rant.

We had a nice chap from the Centre for Energy Research come and speak to us at work a few weeks ago. He was speaking about how NZ could transition to a low-carbon economy in a layperson way.  This would fulfill our obligations under the Paris Climate Change agreement - with a bonus of keeping Wellington summers no more than 2 degrees warmer than they are now.

Nice as he was, I came out feeling depressed.  The politicians of the day (globally, mind you, not just in NZ) remain resolutely focussed on minimising individual country cost.  They are happy to continue subsidising fossil fuel exploration and production despite that the release of that carbon will contribute to the pending climate avalanche. The government continues to believe that individuals will not make a change to mass transit, even should such a system be built. In doing so they leave the private motor vehicle the only real option in NZ. Our country's focus on bulk dairy production means that the majority of our emissions are methane, a molecule that is 22 times more warming than CO2.

Unless we, as people and companies and organisations and companies, can make decisions based on whats the right thing to do, not just the cheapest way to do it, we will continue to fuck over the planet we live on.

No one is perfect, and we all need to balance the needs of our present with the needs of our future. Ignoring our potential future, or expecting someone else to deal with the problem for you, is in my view foolhardy.

Public transport is designed for shifting volumes of people from home to work and back again efficiently. Even if it is cheaper to drive.
Bicycles are perfect for single person journeys of 10km or less.
Recycling bins are designed to reuse the resources that have already been dug up.
Plastic shopping bags, when you have a backpack, are a ridiculous use of a petroleum biproduct.
Dont get me started on takeaway coffee cups and sushi trays and drinking straws and polystyrene meat trays and plastic butter knives.  Trust me - there are better items and they are in your home and work kitchens.
If a product can be reused rather than thrown out you have doubled its utility for the the cost to the planet.
A great many modern items are not designed to last or to be repaired or be repurposed. Dont buy these things.
Local and central government are not obliged to use communal land to enable your carparking on the street.

All this makes simplifying my life much more complicated. It would be easy indeed if I could just put everything in a big rubbish bag and take it to the tip. However, whats best for the planet is to find it new owners who will use it as it is designed to be used.

My rate of de-acquisition has slowed significantly as I ponder how to rehome my things in the best way possible. This has also made me look at other future purchases with a different lens.

I hope the above has made you think a little about what a difference you can make, even if its in a small way.

Consumption on the Brain

When you're re-rationalising everything you own it changes you.

I can't look at purchasing anything the same way - it is all stuff that will end up in my re-homing pile. Much of my purchasing is "problem solving". Oh, my tv doesn't do movie speech well so maybe I need a soundbar or home theatre system - but, apart from my current cold I hardly ever watch tv. I need a coffee making system that packs small for bikepacking - but now I'm decaffeinated.  Purchasing stuff with a relatively weak premise appears to be a waste of time and energy.

I also realised that there are a fairly big heap of belongings that are simply occupying space. For example, my recipe books. I have maybe 2 recipes from each book that I actually use, but yet the book sits on my bookshelf. Why am I keeping them when I use the internet for inspiration these days? I watch all my DVDs off a hard disc drive. So why do I have a shelf full of DVDs?

It seems to me that this simplification process is like finding a needle in a haystack. Every so often you think you're getting somewhere, but then you look up and realise most of the haystack is still sitting waiting for you.

Cleaning Out

As I mentioned last time I've been cleaning up.  To be honest, though, the process is trying.
Even before I decide to let go of the item there is a range of agonising that I seem to need to do.

This is a snapshot of what my brain says to me.

The recollection of buying the item
"Oh, I remember buying this!"
"I paid over $200 for it - I got a great deal through a workplace buying group*."

The recollection of using the item, and the reasons why the item isn't currently used.
"Its really too warm for riding but not waterproof. So its not usable by me in Wellington as the weather is generally cold and wet as opposed to cold and crisp."

But I might need it (just in case)!
My brain then tries to invent scenarios where I can use the item, thereby justifying keeping it. In particular, my desire to be "independent" and not need anyone else is challenged every time I let go of things.

I could upcycle/reuse
My brain suggests that instead of using a teapot as a teapot (cos I usually just use a tea basket) I could turn it into a plant pot instead. Yes, really, my brain suggested that.

The resignation - that I never should have bought the item in the first place.
This part usually makes me sad. :( I feel like the dream I had that inspired me to buy it in the first place has died. The dream of sitting around drinking tea out of a pretty tea pot is somehow dying. But really, I do plenty of sitting around drinking tea - just without the prettiness.
I also get gobsmacked by the amount of money I spent on items I don't use. The number (which fortunately I don't track) is gobsmacking.

Then I get an interlude, as it enters the blue plastic bin for re-homing.

Then, the question is : What next?

Is this likely to sell for anything exceeding the hassle factor? 
Frankly, selling something via Trademe or Neighbourly I probably wouldn't do for less than $20. I find managing the process and completing the sale a distraction from life. So thats pretty much the minimum I'll actively sell something for.

Some things I feel should sell for what I list them, but for some reason they don't go which mystifies me. Possibly I haven't found the buyer yet, or the buyer hasn't found me.

Sometimes the things I want to sell have minor issues that I need to resolve before I list them which holds up the whole process.

If it fails to sell in one round, I have to enter into the next step as well.

Can I give this away to Friends and Family?
If I'm going to give it away, I'd far rather friends and family benefitted if the item would add value to their life.

Can I give this away to a charity?
The Salvation Army shop in Karori has benefited from a range of my belongings, but it is not always the right place. For example, cycling equipment and clothing are unlikely to get good new homes this way. So I've been forced to research a number of different options for disposing of specialty items.

Do I have to throw it away?
This really is a last resort. I hate the idea that whole and semi usable items end up in a landfill, yet many modern items are not built to last, nor for maintenance or recycling. This, in my view, should be unacceptable to us as a society.

Its not easy, nor fast. Its distinctly uncomfortable and personally challenging as I examine each item. Despite the necessary emotional shock, I'm already feeling the benefits of emotional clarity - I can find items and I only have items I actively use.

If you have a favourite charitable organisation for receiving goods - I'd love to hear from you!

Cleaning Up

I think I've always been a good consumer. My consumption is more to do with making my life look like the one I think it should be than the one it is.

The one I often think it should be is one that I'm happy and successful, with a nicely kept house, with provisions for any drop in guest, with the tools I need to fix anything by myself, clothes for all the appropriate occasions from DIY work to funky cool to formal wear, furniture and bedding in my spare room, gear for all the sports or activities I participate in or would like to participate in, pantry ingredients for things I would like to make or didnt make, kitchen utensils for every situation... and so it goes on.

Its alot of stuff.

I've been trying to consciously cut down on my belongings - in particular rehoming things that I don't use. Ideally I'd exchange them for cash via TradeMe or Neighbourly or Facebook when the item is worth the hassle, but I've also been donating bins of kitchen things and clothes to the Salvation Army or rehoming to friends. If I do make some money out of it I specifically transfer the money out to a savings account to add it to the Mortgage at the earliest convenience thus avoiding the risk that the money is assimilated into Friday night drinks.

Significantly, I'm down to three bicycles and I think two is the right number. That will mean a different two from the three I have now though - one a road/commuter/tourer, one a mtb, probably with 130mm of travel.

In doing so I've been consolidating storage things - empty a set of drawers and find a new storage place for all the things. As the things I've been 'storing' come out I realise how little they get used and they too get rehomed appropriately.

Here's to a simpler (and cheaper) life!

What Is Important?

Limited time puts things into perspective that you've never considered.

• What would your ideal day look like?
• If you didn't have to work for money, what would you do?
• If you had 9 months to live, how would you spend that time? 
• What do you want your eulogy to say?

I find questions like this to myself insightful and revealing.

What would your ideal day look like?
In the weekends I sometimes get my idea day - a gentle awakening. A slow breakfast at home with the cats, pottering in the garden or basement getting things "tidy" or "sorted" for the coming day/week/season. A social lunch with a few friends, then a mountain bike ride somewhere interesting or new - the objective not being my fitness or training but rather exploring or socialising.

If you didn't have to work for money, what would you do?
I'd probably end up volunteering for things based on the need of others - up to a point, whatever was most needed at any one time. Even now, if I have a free day and am aware that help is needed I'm pretty quick to put my hand up - usually at mountain bike events but also tree plantings and trail building. If I had no financial constraints I'd end up doing a lot more of this, and probably take a bit more responsibility (which usually I avoid). It is important to me, however, that these activities involve people. I have very little motivation to do these things without being part of a team or community.

I don't imagine this would be enough on its own. In which case I'd probably sign up for courses or lessons, whichever took my fancy at the time - languages, history, permaculture, programming  all have their appeal.  I'm not sure that I'd want to be completely immersed in any one thing to the exception of all others.

If you had 9 months to live how would you spend that time?
First up, I'd spend a decent chunk of time with my parents, siblings and older more distant relatives. I find as a single person living alone it can be a tremendously lonely experience with a feeling of disconnection or not being anchored. I think I'd die happier if those connections were stronger.

Then, a bunch of travel, at a slow pace. Meeting random people as I go and opening myself up for adventures that crop up. I believe this would make me feel like I'd truly lived.

What would you want your eulogy to say?
I'd hope that people would think that I was a good person, who could be relied on for support when needed. That they valued me in their life.

Answering questions like this makes me aware - no where in this is "work". I don't crave sitting at a computer; in fact most of my preferences are outdoors. People also feature heavily - activities arent satisfying unless they involve people. As an introvert I need to manage this better as though I find being with people tiring they also are part of life meaning for me. There's also a liking for novelty and new things. I wouldn't necessarily say I like new all the time - I have a great liking for a daily routine and a weekly rhythm, but also a desire for learning things and new experiences.

I don't want to wait til I'm 65 for this.

I don't have to.  I've  had my priorities not well aligned with my actions for so many years that its taking some time to reorient. Its time to sort things out.

This Is Why An Emergency Fund Is Important

Dear Joanna,

Your tooth has a dying/dead pulp (nerve) and the root canal spaces inside your tooth have started to become infected. This infection is the cause of the recent acute symptoms associated with your tooth.

Root canal treatment is necessary for your tooth. The alternative treatment option for your tooth is extraction. If left without any treatment the symptoms associated with your tooth will eventually worsen with time. The success rate of root canal treatment for your tooth is approximately 80-90%. If your tooth fails to respond to the treatment then an additional surgical procedure may be required to allow complete healing to occur.

With regards to the cost of the root canal treatment, this will be $1900.00. Half of this fee is due at the first treatment appointment and the remainder on completion of treatment. There is no charge for any follow up appointments required to assess healing.

If you have any queries or problems before your next appointment, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards

But Why?

It all came to a head one winter week.

My team was being restructured. My friend and more experienced colleague was getting disestablished under the premise of team efficiency. But, especially as they were keeping my role, it was apparent that it was more personal.

The Corporation does not exist to provide us with meaningful work. It exists to create growing profits - just making lots of money isn't enough. Shareholders expect an underlying increase in value of a company. The company should be making more widgets, charging more per widget, or reducing the cost of the raw materials of the widget. As demand in NZ is relatively flat but the tolerance for higher priced widgets is very low, that just leaves the last one - reducing the unit cost. Do more with less. In this case, less people. Less expensive people.

As a single person with a mortgage, and a career that I'd call "varied" but others would call "inconsistent" I felt vulnerable. I've never had a problem getting another job, but then I've never been forced to under pressure and not while I've had the mortgage in play.

I very much resent that the Corporation, through no actions of my own, might decide I cost them too much and I'd be better replaced by a recent graduate for half the price.

I very much want to keep my house.

I very much want to do some long trips and really get to know a place. This is difficult to do with 4 weeks annual leave and a mortgage to pay. I don't want to wait til I'm 65 to do it.

The Corporation is not any different in any other private company. The public sector seems to be only in theory better; in practice its more prone to random philosophic restructures than anywhere else. I'd like to build a life that has meaning for me and not keep putting off things until I have enough annual leave or have saved enough over the mortgage bill.

The Corporation doesn't owe me a living but neither do I owe it my life. If I can, I'd like to break free of the dependency. I'd like to have a choice.

Goals and Being S.M.A.R.T.

I used to be one for S.M.A.R.T. goals. I guess it appealed to the engineer in me that I could set and achieve a goal which was specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timebound. It seems to make absolute sense that I could break a goal (compete in a triathlon) into its component parts (swim, bike, run, transitions), tick them off progressively (learn to run, gradually increase the distance no more than X%, improve swimming stroke efficiency, increase swimming distance to Y km), and magically achieve anything I wanted.

However. My mindset was insufficiently flexible to accommodate injuries (shin splints), illness (usual winter colds), work travel (too many aeroplanes and airports, jetlag, also see illness). I would become horribly disappointed with myself that I was unable to stick to such a simple concept. At the first challenges I would realise that my goal was at risk and become disillusioned and demotivated.

I threw away the whole concept of S.M.A.R.T. goals as I regarded them as a negative influence on my psyche.

In some ways, though, being able to state ones goal out loud is tremendously motivating. When each individual decision comes up that will either take me closer towards my goal or further away I can make a conscious decision recognising the true impact of that decision and explain it to otheres Ideally of course, we outsource most of these decisions so that we dont have to decide at all.

As I've mentioned before I'm trying to pay down as much mortgage as I can so I can do a period of travel. Specifically, I'd like to take a year off and rent my house out to travel by bike overseas. As I need the house to be self-supporting financially while I'm away there is a certain amount of debt the rent can carry. That is very measurable. I've made a bunch of assumptions in my magic spreadsheet including interest rates, rental income, and the costs of management and maintenance.  I need to have my house debt below 150k to kinda break even though admittedly at this level I've been a bit conservative about rental income and interest rates.

Its also very achievable in the next few years - well, according to my magic spreadsheets at least! Each month I see a significant amount of principal getting paid off  which is definitely helped by the current low interest rates. All going well I should get there sometime in 2017 and travel in 2018. Which makes it also both realistic and timebound.

I think the difference at the moment is that I have enough buffer to cope with the ups and downs. I have a healthy emergency fund that is sitting there gathering interest and money is allocated monthly as soon as I get paid for my core bills.

When the goal is close enough to be conceivable this is like gold dust for your motivation! But, its also so close that I'm constantly tempted to spend money on bike or bike accessories or travel guides for some of the routes.... The self sabotaging part of my brain kicks in. It likes to plan ahead and be prepared, but should I indulge it I might lose the progress I'm making.

No, I dont need a new bike now. Lets flog the ones I've got for another 2 years. Maps and travel guides change. Get them at the time; get them as I go (as I'm not going to want to carry it with me!)

These conscious decisions are eroding my ability to focus on that which matters, which is keeping my costs low and therefore the rate of debt paydown. The default answer to all these ideas has to be no as they consume so much mental energy, not to mention computer and internet time.

I need to save my energy to make conscious decisions that matter.  To cook the beans from my garden, not buy brocolli from the supermarket. To cook the multitude of frozen berries in my freezer, not buy treats or sweets. To fix my bikes with the parts I have in the basement, not solve all my problems at the bike shop. To do the maintenance on my house myself, as I know I can figure it out if I take the time. To lend my time and car/strimmer/waterblaster/axe as much as possible to those near me, and not be afraid to ask for support when my jobs need a second pair of hands.
These are the conscious decisions that matter.

Who knows, I might actually manage to achieve a SMART goal. Stay tuned!

Dumbstruck

All this focus on my own reactions, and peoples reactions to my reactions, leads my brain in one continuous and never ending circle. Where is the start and where is the end? I'm not right, but neither are you. We're both hurting and uncomfortable.

Its too easy for me, in my silence, to avoid the uncomfortable. Being silent and uncomfortable is more comfortable than risking your reaction by saying what I really mean. If I say what I really mean then you might tell me what you really mean. That might mean that you don't want me here or in your life and the rejection would be awful. You might think I'm wrong in my feelings leaving me unable or unwilling to relate to you and back in silence.

I have to believe that I have intrinsic value, including all my faults. Similarly I have to believe that you have intrinsic value, including all yours.
We all have faults, advantageous in self-protection but useless in relationships.
We all have feelings, born of a lifetime of different perceptions.

Like creaky bicycle gears, the stops set in the wrong place, the cable too tight, a Karapoti worth of grit on the chain links, we mesh together, skip a beat or two, maybe fail to disengage from the need to be right or validated and wind up with a chain wrapped around your chainstay.  Or we could be flung apart in mutual hurt.

Only with a little of maintenance can we put ourselves back together again.

Starting Again. Again.

Routines are precarious things. A single element - even a good one like a holiday - can result in a rebalancing of priorities. Those precious coloured marbles slipped through my fingers to the ground and lie amongst the grass.

It is time to re-establish my long term goals. The main one for me, which has been in play for a number of years, is the massive paying down of house debt to enable me to do a period of travel. It has not been easy to compromise short term fun for medium term freedom. The short term fun over the past few months has included various holiday and biking toys, clothing, yummy cheese and beer. The music system at home got upgraded and I've been playing with Spotify Premiums music offerings. 

But - it all had its cost. The Visa is carrying a balance that will require abit of shuffling to work. I spend way too much time googling optimal problem solving solutions including wifi router upgrades, chromecast, sleeping bag quilts for bikepacking, and european-style couches.

I'm taking a deep breath as I don't need those things right now.  There is an opportunity cost to short term fun, and while I'm definitely not opposed to it, the Want-Monster* must be put on a leash.

I'm picking up the jade coloured marble from the grass as this marble will give me freedom. It is the one that matters.

*heard this term in a podcast here and love it! http://www.oneyoufeed.net/toni-bernhard/

Impermanence

I think that for many years that I was only capable of changing superficial things. I could study, and improve my grades. I could cycle more, and improve my fitness.  I didn't realise that it was possible to change how I responded to situations.

I used to be a planner. It was the way I used to manage my fears of uncertainty In fact, the main thing that stopped me doing some travel in my early 20s like many of my compatriots was an inability to plan away my fears. Where would I live? How would I find a job? What would I do if I got in trouble, got lost, was faced with a difficult situation? Who could I call for help?

They all seem abit silly now. I think those various fears wore off over the course of life. I've left my house keys in the wrong country and needed a locksmith to get in, I've forgotten most of my warm clothes on one winter holiday and remedied it in a discount shopping mall. I've taken a night bus in the Philippines that ended at 4am - and was pleased to discover that I didn't need accommodation as most people stayed on the bus to sleep (or as much sleep as you can get in the parking lot behind a karaoke bar). I failed to find my planned hostel in Paris before dark and bailed to the next hotel I could find.

These days I hate planning things on trips now for fear of limiting myself or creating "rushing around".  But more than that I realise all things are temporary - whatever the situation the problems rarely persist.  I'm more capable than I used to give myself credit for. The stress I used to feel when I couldn't plan has been replaced by a stress when I have to plan. I'd like that to be further replaced with equanimity.

Change is inevitable.

Growth is optional.

I choose growth.

Habits, and Overcoming the Buts

I was meant to write a blog post two weekends ago.

And didn't.

I was meant to write a blog post last weekend.

And didn't.


I have lots of excuses. In the first there was feeling sick with a cold, a concert, a lost cellphone, an early rugby game on TV, a morning nap, lawn mowing, and a childs birthday party. In the second there was a flight, some rowing on the avon, another concert, a brunch, an art trail and another flight. Combined with normal weekend things like preparing some food and cleaning the house and the laundry I sometimes feel that I don't have enough time to do these things which are going to change life for the better.

I know its a lie to myself.

On the other hand I know the things I want to change are worth it.

My mental chatter helps me to procrastinate about anything from stretching, to doing the vacuuming, to doing the running drills that I know are the first step to actually going for a run. My mental chatter tells me that it is more important to get to bed at 10:30 than doing 15 minutes of stretching. It also says that its better to mow the lawn than to go for a bike ride, to vacuum than go for a run, to bake rather than write a blog post.

My priorities get distorted and its often unclear why I'm making the tradeoff. Sometime I think its because I'm afraid of the pain of stretching. But I suspect its actually because I believe I wont be successful in fixing the injury.

It sounds like an overly pessimistic point of view doesn't it. I'm not like this about most things - in most of my challenges I believe its my persistence that makes me most successful, particularly in academic pursuits or in problem solving challenges like how to make skirting boards fit together. When it comes to physical fitness or skills I have a pessimistic streak that suggests to me that nothing I do will make a difference. That it is futile. So I procrastinate heavily about "training" or stretching or running drills.

I procrastinate about cleaning as its just going to get dirty again.

I procrastinate about blogging as I'm sure no one will notice if I don't.

So it is for me and blogging. If I've lost a sense of improvement, that I'm adding value to myself or others then I lose heart quickly.

I'm resorting to the wisdom of Yoda. Do. Or do not. There is no try. 

Identity.... and What People Might Think.

When I'm trying to make a change in myself I find the thing that is most difficult to overcome is an attachment to an identity.

It is all abit of a sham - liberally sprinkling your daily or sporting wear with labels to match the identity you want for yourselves. Whether thats Lululemon, or Vans, or a vintage Metallica Tshirt. Of course, advertising works to leverage this - presenting you with an image of what you could be and trying to convince you to pay money to let other people know what you want to be so that they think you are.

To me, the most important question is who are you really?

I have an underlying problem. By outside appearances I'm pretty normal and boring. House. Cats. Car. Vegetable garden. Too many bicycles. Corporate job. Good at numbers. Family at a distance. Regularly exercise. Volunteer regularly. The things that raise eyebrows very slightly are my willingness to turn up to social gatherings on a bicycle and my current single and childless status  (at ~38 even!). And its fair to say potentially my current haircut.

I want people to know that I'm more than that. I crave a world that values people for their diversity - of economics, of fashion, of skin colour, gender, music. I dont want to work as an office monkey until I'm 65 and retire on the pension to some small community by the sea.  I want to live and experience the whole world, and not in a 3 week chunk once a year. That desire scares me greatly as it causes alot of fear and pain and uncertainty.

I want people to know that I'm not a Boring Kinda Girl.

It seems ridiculous to think that I want to do something just so that others know what I know inside. I shouldn't need to get a tattoo or wear the brand or die my hair magenta to match the slightly subversive theme that runs through my brain. Yet part of me still wants to do it.

So what am I? A matrix of confusions. Some the same as you, some different. Some I'm willing to show you and some that I'm ashamed to show you. I even tried to write a list and didn't get past the fourth bullet point.

How can be myself and show the real me if there are parts of me that I'm embarrassed about? Why can't I write those things down? I think I'm afraid that people will look at me differently as a result. That they might not feel comfortable around me and would judge me and won't love me.

This link has an example which is rather uncomfortable watching. I'd love to be as brave as Lewis but I'm still scared of what people might think. Can I drop the shield?

Stated Expectations - the Sequel

Please see previous post here for the background. Caveat: I'm not one for word-for-word as I can't remember dialogue well.

After being told to sort it out, a meeting between me and Merida was scheduled for Tuesday. I prepared as best I could. Above all I wished to avoid making her feel defensive while expressing my point of view. Which sounds achievable.

We started the session on an optimistic but slightly weird note - she apologised for mentioning to our boss once removed that I seemed to be angry at her, and she didn't know why. She thought that might have prompted Mr Peacock to get us to "sort it out". I agreed that she was probably right that it forced the issue, but it still needed to be discussed. She also said that she thought she needed to harden up - to accept the anger and ignore it. Which perplexed me because that wasn't the point.

So I wanted firstly to explore what her issues were with me. I tried to create a safe space - its just you and me, you can say whatever you want. And her main issue seemed to be with my "angry outburst". No one else gets angry at her and she doesn't understand it nor does she ever wish to experience it again. I found this weird because my version of an angry outburst involves swearing and name calling, raised voices, ranting, and arm waving. I did none of those things. I was angry. But I didnt swear, raise my voice or arm wave. I said "Ok, now stop. Now go away." With admittedly a very cold tone. Its so confusing if you live a life with my set of benchmarks anyway!

So I had written myself a list of questions, hoping to lead Merida along the path of how I think of things. It was intended to start from a viewpoint - are we equal? Should we be? Can we be? To - what is my job, with respect to you? And onwards to was there another way she could sort out her IT problems. But I didn't get a chance. At the first question - are we equal? "what do you mean?. When I got to what is my job, with respect to her she shut me down "Where are you going with this, what do you mean?" and straight into defensive posturing about her knowledge being like swiss cheese and that she was working through filling the holes where she could.

I got a sense of bitterness about doing this work which isn't what she wants to be doing. It was very much rammed down my throat that she thought I should be relieved of any responsibility for things she did or didn't do. In fact she proclaimed it loudly. And if I didn't like her requests I should just say no to them.

To be honest, that's not how I roll. If I can, I do try to help people. Not to mention Mr Peacock wants us all to help each other when we can. I don't say no to people. But that is part of the curiousness isn't it - I did tell her no more for the SQL stuff. But it didn't register. How can I say that so that people understand it?

I walked out of the meeting perplexed. I did not get to have my say at all without getting shut down with "just say no!" or "you don't have to fix my problems for me".  And I didn't manage to get any words at all out without triggering her defensiveness. But I could live with her proposed solution though it would mean feeling like I was sitting on my hands.

On reflection Merida's angry during the meeting was far higher on the angry scale for me than mine was.

The perplexed feeling lasted about 15 minutes. Until Merida emailed a bullet-pointed "summary" of what we talked about very much from her perspective. Then I was outraged and there was much ranting and tears. Fortunately not at her.  So it could've been worse. I chose not to reply to that email as I felt it would turn into an ongoing rebuttal which would not help improve the constructiveness of our relationship.

So again, I'm stuck. I want to be open with what I'm thinking and feeling. I want to help Merida to learn this stuff. But I don't want to become resentful about it. Again I find myself feeling like I'm sulking, holding back from her, which is not what I want at all.

The road to being a good human being is a long and windy one.

Stated Expectations

It was inevitable that my desire to be heard would spill over into the workplace. I wanted to be able to have an open conversation to let people know what I expected in interactions and be able to follow up.

Turns out it just isn't that simple.

I've been working with someone whom we shall call Merida. In the course of her training I've needed to get her up to speed with a software package called Microsoft SQL Server Management Studio. This software allows its users to view database data and is invaluable in troubleshooting pretty much everything. As a data-geek I love that I can see how the data is arranged and build a query to cut it in different shapes. At a more practical level our jobs are dependent on good data, and problems with them happen. Because the problems are not regular you need more insight than other means can give you.

After a period of training early this year and informally saying "you really need this software" I wasn't getting anywhere. So formally (in a specific subject only email) I requested that she get the software installed back in May. There were always reasons - too busy, I've logged a job but IT hasn't got back to me. Oh they tried, but it didnt install, I'll follow up. By July we were preparing to hand my things over to her while I was in Samoa. Again, formally I reminded her - you need to get the software sorted. Meanwhile, whenever she got stuck with data problems I had to dive in to figure out what was going. This was tiresome, not only from a personal disruption perspective but also that she needed to learn how to use the software in order to be able to cover me adequately and was still not even able to get onto it.

She got through the two weeks I was away in August without it. But about a week after I came back something went wrong and she needed me to get data out. By this time I was rather fed up. With the same kind of mentality that I successfully used with my un-motivated flatmate I told her this would be the last time. You need to get this sorted.

By this stage the reason given was that the computer needed to be rebuilt and she needed 3 clear days to sort it out. We've worked together a year and I've never known her to have a "clear day".  I'm a big believer in the Stockdale Paradox - "
You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.

AND at the same time…You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

The brutal facts were there was not going to be any resolution to the computer issues in the near future to enable the software installation. She needed to pursue a different solution.

Crunch time happened last week when one of the data feeds failed to load data. Again, I was called.  I didn't want to hear from her what I perceived as continued excuses. I cut her pretty short and hung up. I had a quick look at the data and then shoulder-tapped Pooh in the office for the emailed data snapshot. 10 minutes later I  gave her, rather unembellished, what she needed.

What followed was abit of rant or vent at our mutual, ever-tolerant, people manager Mr Peacock. I don't know how to get her to listen? She needs the software. I've been asking her to do it for months. Mr Peacock was of the opinion she needed the three days and (probably) that I was being rather unsympathetic.

While I am keen on gold-plated solutions, given the brutal facts of the situation I was happy to use duct-tape when required. The next morning I went into the ICT area and explained the situation. The Energizer Bunny was there and went into solution mode, suggesting either getting her a second machine or getting her to remote onto one. The latter could be actioned immediately without any delay or cost. We could have done this back in May if needed.

Which should potentially be a happy-ever-after-the-end kinda thing. But no - again my feedback is that I'm "rude and unprofessional". And now we've "got to sort it out".

It is a similar kind of situation to my communication with my unmotivated flatmate. He also had high standards for his proposed solution but to his credit found some duct tape before things really got stressful. Merida, on the other hand, chose to stick her head in the sand and hope for the best.  Worse, from my perspective, she was surprised that it annoyed me and upset that my response was no longer sympathetic and polite.

I don't believe I should be responsible for someone elses IT issues. Nor their unwillingness to address those issues in a timely manner. The softly and politely method was not working to achieve the ultimate goal - Merida skilled up to solve any problem handed to her. I'm attacking my green Avoidance but in doing so am perceived to be attacking someone even more green in Avoidance than myself.

If I extend the Paradox further - I've got to believe that this is all going to turn out alright in the end. I have my fingers crossed for "sorting it out" tomorrow.

No Doom on Mount Doom

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.  All photo credits Christopher Robin and the Energizer Bunny due to technology fail on my part.

*

Pooh had a winter mission to tick off. In his younger days he was a strapping young bear leaping small mountains in a single bound. But after years of children and too many years of corporate desk jockeying Pooh knew he needed a change. He had targetted Mt Ngaruahoe as a winter goal. It wasn't going to be easy. Pooh set about training by tackling several of the minor peaks of Wellington when time allowed. I had walked with Pooh once before during our Team Days when we tackled the Tongariro Crossing and and knew him to be slow and steady, but capable of continuing all day. 

Pooh started floating the idea of summiting Ngaruahoe in winter around the office and fairly quickly he had a potential crew of around 15 people including me. I was fizzing at the idea... snow, mountains, what could go wrong? After some serious perusal of the coffee grounds a date was set at the end of August. 

My heart sunk. The weekend set was the one immediately after my trip to Samoa. To do it, I would be returning late on a Thursday night from the tropics, be home Friday morning, then be off in a car for 5 hours to National Park before a big walk in the snow on the Saturday. I was not keen on the "rushing around" that would be required and worried about going back to work tired after the trip. So, after about a week of shall-I-shan't-I I chose to decline. 

The last weekend of August brought relatively fine weather but an extremely high avalanche risk. Pooh consulted the mountain-wise Owl who recommended a postponement. 

Once again the coffee grounds were examined and everyone was keenly aware that there was little winter remaining. Schedules and children and partners were juggled and put into the magic number machine which gave us a new date of the end of September.   Woohoo! I'm in!

Our new crew was composed of Pooh, Christopher, Energizer Bunny, Owl, Owl's son Tigger, the Eagle, and myself.  I booked my crampons and ice axe at Biviouac, and after a brief "eek, I think my boots are too flexible for crampons!" I was psyched and ready to roll. I even trained... kinda.. by running to work. My physio and I both agree (now) that that was a silly idea and I needed to have my knees taped to help the kneecaps track properly.  The weather forecast originally didnt play ball and after three days of rain and gale southeasterlies I was pretty pessimistic about the conditions. But Pooh said "We're going anyway." So just like that, we were.  

The Eagle and I were similarly inclined towards taking off on the Friday afternoon and getting to National Park around dinner time. Everyone else wanted to make the most of their working afternoons and leave at 4:30. The Eagle and I chatted our way north. He had had a summer of DIY to sell his house and then an autumn of buying a new house and getting it sorted.  He had had few weekends of training and feared he was underprepared. This was also the Eagles first expedition to the snow. We were both consoled by the experience that the Owl brought to the group.

After a good night sleep at Howards Lodge National Park the Eagle picked me up bright and early for a 7am meet at Mangatepopo carpark to join our teammates. The weather was fine but there was a stiff breeze blowing across the carpark and the crew were sheltered by the retaining wall to put on their layers. The Energizer bunny was conspicuous by his lack of layers but given his internal batteries it probably wasn't unexpected. Tigger had packed his skis. Crazy cat.

Happy to be there

The walk up the Mangatepopo valley was interspersed with various short stops to add or remove layers. It was chilly and the frozen streams were only reinforcing that feeling. Its a rather easy walk up to the Soda Springs but even so we had to lean into the wind to maintain forward motion. Being from Wellington we were rather used to doing that. 

The staircase itself has been improved in recent years and there are a number of very tidy actual stairs as opposed to the rocky versions I remember from 2003. 

Mt Doom in the clear. 

Close to the top of the stair case there were several patches of snow crossing the track. Not quite crampons conditions. But once we topped to the saddle we could see that the south crater was completely covered in snow. Owl told us it was time to put our crampons on from here and gave us a few key tips so that we didn't stab outselves in the back of our legs. I strapped them on and gave it a test walk. I was amazed at the traction! 

Me with Christopher, and stabby things on my feet. And ALL the layers.

The real climb started here. The first few hundred metres were relatively flat but then the gradient gradually turned until you were stepping, straight into snow.  Owl gave us a run down of the theory of how to self-arrest, though practicing was limited as it wasn't quite steep enough to get much sliding going on the lower reaches. The snow conditions were exceptional; very firm and with good depth. You could choose to go in any direction with any kind of stride length and get traction. Its kind of novel to not have to focus on where I put my feet - it really didn't seem to matter. 

For the first while I chose the straight up option. Owl, below me, is using the more conventional switchback technique. 

After about 20 steps I'd be out of breath and gasping. After a while my calves let me know that maybe the switchbacks were the way to go and so I started zigging. At every corner I delighted in calling the tack and when I crossed their paths calling "Starboard!". Im not sure what my team mates thought of this blatant sport-confusion. 

As we were a diverse group, we did have a reasonable gap between the front and the back. But we regrouped when we could. There was plenty of time to enjoy the view, though that view was elusive the higher we went. 

Mt Tongariro, the Crossing in the foreground.

Pooh had been trucking well but suffered from bad cramp in his quads. He raided the Eagles supplies of banana and Powerade to keep going. There was a debate as to whether we should split into two but fortunately it was decided we should stay together. Owl kicked steps slowly into the hillside and Pooh stayed focussed on keeping to his footsteps.

Two of the team were wearing fancy pants watches and could tell us how high we were. Which was either a blessing or a curse depending on how much it had changed since you last asked. Just keep going up til there is no more up!

Finally the advance party of Christopher Robin and the Energizer Bunny reached the edge of the crater. They came back and led us along the rocky ridge towards the summit. 

The top! The bare rocks are mostly centrally heated.

 The top was pretty cool. Even though I couldn't see anything there was something cool about being at the top of something. There were seams of hot rocks which meant some had central heating for their lunch seats. Mine was a cold one though. Gipped.

After about 20 minutes at the top it was time to get going back down and see the sun again. Tigger was first off on his skies. The Energizer Bunny gave him a bearing so he might not end up at the wrong end of Ngaruahoe. He disappeared off into the white.

It was worth the 8 mins to get down he said.

We negotiated the rocky ridge with our crampons (which is kinda sketchy) and headed down on the snow. Christopher and the Energizer Bunny had the bright idea of sliding down. They disappeared into the white. I was doubtful at first, doing reasonable time in the softer afternoon snow doing my zigs. But after watching Owl I thought I might give it a go. So after abit of practice I was off - on my side with the ice axe poised for braking. Which I did regularly just cos.

Skidmarks

Back at the saddle it was sunny again! So it was time for crampons off and back down to civilisation. I had been nice to my knee on Ngaruahoe (by not walking down) but walking down the staircase was going to be challenging. So with walking poles at the ready we dropped slowly into the much warmer and less windy valley. 

By about 5pm (but I can't say I actually know what time it was) we were back at the carpark, stoked that we accomplished Poohs goal and inspired by what we had done. 

*

I don't think I have any great lessons for the trip. I was well prepared generally for the physical exertion. The group was great - perhaps because we were more random than some groups we didn't seem to need to negotiate much. Pooh said, we did. Too easy. We were also a group of professionally (and unprofessionally) opinionated so I was actually surprised that it went that smoothly. Perhaps the working relationships in a new context changes things. 

I'm inspired to do more mountain-y things. :) We were extremely lucky with the snow conditions. I am told it was pretty much perfect. If it were actually icy my flexy boots with their rental crampons, flexybar or no flexibar, would have been challenged. 

Bring on the summer!

Hidden Expectations

I've known for some time that I'm not very good at letting people know my wants and needs. Or even, in some cases, to know what my wants or needs are myself.

When I was growing up I was encouraged "not to make a fuss". As a timid and unconfident child I developed an inability to talk about what I actually wanted. When I tried it seemed like it was always overruled anyway by someone louder or more determined than me so it all seemed pointless.

In an adult, however, this behaviour exhibits as passive aggressive. Which isn't a label I like, but probably fits what was going on in my head. I would hint, and I might joke, or get sarcastic, and if I'm not listened to I sulk and get more and more twisted in my brain. I want to yell and get very angry about not being listened to. I imagine confrontations and escalations, threats and negotiations. What actually happens is I burst into tears in a fit of emotion, and break up, break off, and otherwise leave the building/relationship/environment. Most of the angst existed only inside my head and my behaviour was often a mystery to those around me.

It is sometimes a mystery to me that being "easy-going" seems to be something that is important to me. Attempting to be easygoing made me, at various times, desperately unhappy.

Its also a mystery to me that its taken to at least my mid-thirties to start to have real honest conversations, without the angst. It is thanks to my workplace which, as part of my learning and development included ZIP training (which is not just about safety), coaching, and LSI and MBTI (INTJ if you're interested) training.  I can't thank my work enough as its triggered me on a journey to look more closely at those uncomfortable thoughts inside my brain.

Those uncomfortable thoughts have been close to the surface lately.  I took on my ex-neighbour as a temporary flatmate. He had not managed to find a rental after selling his house next door and needed a room. He's not a very compatible flatmate at the outset - a 52 year old Jamaican Brit working as a builder. He was desperate and he had been a good neighbour to me over the last few years. He said he was having problems renting a place as he worked on a site which didnt give him an opportunity to get to viewings during the week. Ok, sure, I said. Lets give this a whirl on a temporary basis until he found a place. We agreed on a price for rent and I gave him a bank account number and the WiFi password.

A few days later it was evident that we had different understandings of his problems finding a rental. He didnt seem to be working, apparently because of tennis elbow in one arm. So he was home, all morning, all day, and all night, shut inside the second bedroom at my place. He rarely left. Infrequently he would go out in the evenings and not get in til 4am. I was off sick for a couple of days early on and struggled with the black hole that existed in my house.  I didn't feel like I had the peace of having my own house to myself anymore, even occasionally. More importantly I felt lied to and manipulated. I suspected he wasn't going to find a place with the amount of effort he was putting in.

By day three I realised I was going to get bitter and twisted about it. So I took action. When he was out in the kitchen I raised expectations. "I'm concerned that we might have different expectations of temporary". I managed not to get stuck into over-analysis of his house-rental strategies which is easily rebutted and stuck to "I think I'm going to get angry at you - and I dont want to get angry with you. So I'd like to set a deadline".  He listened with a resigned look and then headed back to his room.

That deadline is Wednesday this week, three weeks after we last talked about it. We've had two further serious conversations since last night. One saying "Please get cash out for rent, its been three weeks and I'm getting pretty tetchy about it". He headed straight out at 10:30 at night and got the cash. The second was this evening where he, of his own initiative, sought to clarify what day I was expecting him to leave. I managed to stick to the "This isn't working for me" line and "It was September 30th" and when he professed to be unsure when that was said "Its Wednesday". He walked away, back to his room again.

This sounds simple and straight forward but its so much more complicated inside my head! I don't know what its like trying to rent a place. I dont know what he's done to try to find a place - I only know its pretty hard to find a place when you barely leave the house in the weekends. Is he depressed? Probably. Do I want to help? Of course I do. But I can't save him from the realities of his life. Staying here has not helped him - he's worked maybe two or three days over the three weeks. He rarely leaves the house. I'm perplexed that I'm so opposed to him not working. Should it matter if he is unemployed? It seems I resent that he gets to sit in my home relaxing and reading and internetting while I work all day. In theory I hate to think I discriminate against the unemployed but it seems that I do.

My brain has created all manner of scenarios on dealing with those three conversations - the one about setting a deadline, the one about making sure I got the rent I was owed, the one about confirming clearly my expectations for him to move out. My imaginary conversations were filled with tension and arguments and negotiations. I'm relieved to find these conversations, conducted clearly and without blame, are much less stressful than the ones in my imagination. Best of all, I'm actually being listened to.

What Gets in the Way

Despite my analyst and engineering background I do think of myself as a creative person. But some things gets in the way of me rockin' it out.

• That it wouldn't be right. That I'd do it wrong. 
• That others won't like it or think its stupid or lame. 
• I don't have enough technical knowledge. Maybe I should buy a book or enrol in a course. 
• It might draw attention to myself which generally I dont like. I dont handle compliments at all well.
• I might not finish it to a standard that I like because I get discouraged so easily.  

My brain would like to zoom straight to conscious competence (as opposed to this very uncomfortable conscious incompetence) without breaking a sweat, and to handle it with grace and aplomb. I know its not unusual.  I hear it from so many people in different contexts - "I wish I could bake, It all turns out hard as rocks." Never you mind that I've been baking for over 20 years now with my fair share of disasters. "Wow, you did all the DIY yourself. You're amazing." Well, by myself, with ALOT of help from my friends, not to mention google and youtube. I was absolutely afraid when I knocked all the gib out of my walls, just like I am about this writing gig. I've just became very skilled at using no-more-gaps.

Lets take a moment.

Take a deep breath. And hold, two, three, four.

And exhale, two, three, four.

You're cocooned, warm, safe, and supported.

What colours are you surrounded by?

Pinks and purples? Or greens and blues. Or something else entirely

Breathe in, two, three, four. Hold it, two, three, four.

And exhale, two, three, four.

Thinking of that feeling of safety; that you can relax and simply be.

Is there something there with you?

Breathe in, two, three, four. Hold it, two, three, four.

And exhale, two, three, four.


That there is your imagination at work. Most people keep it boxed up all day, but its always there if you give it a safe place to play.

Feel the fear and do it anyway (R).
Not with the right tools, nor with any preconception that it should be good. Because before I can be good, I first have to start.

Good Enough?

When I was young, somewhere between the Marine Biologist stage and the eventual decision to become an Engineer, I wanted to be a writer. I remember creating my own newspapers for fun and thinking I would be a journalist. Even at primary school my imagination would run wild. At one stage I was obsessed by the books of Anne McCaffrey and would write stories based on that world and those characters. Maybe it was at least partly because we had just moved to a new 'town' school on the edge of Auckland, maybe it was the early stages of puberty, or maybe it was a general geekiness, but I didn't feel like I fitted in. And I'd much rather be inhabiting these fantasy worlds inside my head than the real one outside of it.

I was good at school which was fortunate. But I was devastated one day to have had real feedback on a creative writing piece I did. Unused to criticism at school and overly sensitive to it at home, I overreacted. I thought my teacher didn't like the piece. That it, and by extension I, wasn't good enough. And that was that - the joy of writing and sharing it had gone.

It was, of course, replaced by what felt like a dirty secret. I still wrote, escaping into fictional worlds in my head which spilled over onto paper.  My sister certainly knew about this habit, and potentially my mum though she probably didn't know just how much time I spent doing it.

As I moved through my teenage years my brain seemed to change. English was only a subject I was averagely good at and I don't think it was until my last year at high school that I really figured out that an essay had a defined structure. Maths, I was good at. Physics and Chemistry also. After watching the film The Abyss and identifying overly strongly with the lead female character I decided to go to University to study Engineering.

I remember clearly running into that same teacher from primary school at the supermarket one day. "Are you still writing? You used to write the most fantastic stories!"

It's always interesting in retrospect seeing how those key moments build up to be part of an identity. But sad, too. I wonder what, in a parallel universe, I would have been if I'd been able to listen to feedback and see it disconnected from myself.

I threw out my teenage writing in a clean out during University, horrified at the immaturity of the writing and the overly personal nature of it.

So now I'm writing to take it back from wherever it was. That regardless of it being good enough, it quite simply is my writing. And that's enough.